It is 2013 and I am slightly disappointed we didn’t have at least a small zombie apocalypse. Well. Not really. I saw I Am Legend a few years ago and that was enough. (Though someone did try to get into an argument with me that those weren’t Zombies… Tom-ae-to Tom-ah-to.)
People have recently been raving about Les Miserables. My twin brother pronounced it “Less Miserabless”which I thought was actually quite hilarious and more accurate. Now all you Les Mis lovers out there don’t start hating on me. I appreciate that you appreciate the film and play. (Film? Who am I? A 90 year old in a rest home?) It was beautifully made and well acted, no doubt about that. I’m a huge fan of Hugh Jackman, and I thought Princess Mia er…the Cat Lady from Batman Who has a Deep Voice and Rises er… Anne Hathaway did an incredible job.
But here, my friends, is how I really feel:
I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam I am.
In other words… I did not like Les Mis.
Now now, let me explain myself! I had a great time being with my eternal man roommate and his famerly at the movie, that part was fun.
Here’s why I do not like green eggs and ham:
#1. 3 hours.
It’s just too long for me to sit still. I couldn’t handle it. I mean the Hobbit was quite a stretch for me, in fact I slept through a good hour of it and didn’t feel like I missed anything. My elbows for a bum were screaming to get out of the theatre by the end of those three hours. THREE HOURS! What human being can comfortably sit still for that long?
#2. It progressed sloooooooowly and then way too fast.
I’ve never been a big fan of over detailed stories. I like stories that move quickly, give the necessary details, and come back and blow your mind with a fact that was so miniscule it didn’t seem important. I.E. I hated the Scarlet Letter, I love the Great Gatsby. I like things like Sherlock Holmes and Psych. Fast moving, hilarious, makes ya think, and they’re witty.
Les Mis was like… I’m going to sing about this loaf of bread for approximately fifteen minutes and build up this rivalry between justice and mercy for 2.5 hours. Oh. And while I’m at it two weirdy 18 year olds will fall in love in 5 seconds. Well, that was fun. Wait. No it wasn’t.
#3. Movie-Killer Scenes
The boat scene, Santa scene, back breaking scene where you could hear it break, and little kid getting shot scene.
The first two. Yeah. TOO much detail. I’m not going to lie, if anything ruined the movie for me, those two scenes did. I know that it was ‘part of the story’ or ‘part of the times’. That doesn’t mean I want to see it in that type of detail. NEGATIVE. Movie killers. Then the suicide and later death of the kid…Again, too much detail for me. Those scenes definitely did not leave me feeling warm and fuzzy inside and despite the fact that I loved the forgiveness and mercy and love that were definitely themes in Les Mis, those other ones I couldn’t ‘get over’.
#4. Too Much Singing
Now I’ve had this one cleared up with a theater friend, so I’m feeling a little more ok about it now. But at the time I watched Les Mis I was like… Um is it really necessary to sing EVERYTHING? “I got a letter” “I’m walking across the room” “Oh look! Bread!” Yeah, when I think of those phrases in my head they are definitely being sung. Oh wait. No they’re not!
(Now in Les Miserables’ defense, I found out that it is actually an operetta. With that in mind I would have been somewhat more ok with all the singing.)
Ok, those are the main reasons I did not ‘rave’ about Les Mis. But… Here are some things that I did like…In fact I maybe even loved:
A somewhat accurate historical aspect
“Do You Hear the People Sing”
Yup. That’s it. But I did REALLY REALLY like those things. So if that makes any of you feel better then I feel better.
And that, is how I really feel.